This discussion is provoked by and expands a little on what Nathaniel wrote in the last post. He related how we often respond, “Fine,” in answer to “How are you doing?” and how we tend in this way to hide behind a mask and fail to cultivate the sort of beneficial relationship and care for others that is healthy and biblical. So how do we be honest?
I just wrote a paper on Christians and deception, so I’ve thought this over a bit recently. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with saying “Fine,” in response to “How’re you doing?” especially when asked by, say, the grocery store clerk. Most people don’t expect any more than a one-word courtesy answer. But as of late, when any of my friends or acquaintances asks me how I’m doing, I tend to respond more thoughtfully. It may be “I’m pretty tired and unproductive. Hopefully today will be better. How are you?” Or, depending on the person and their interest in encouraging and exhorting me, I might share my struggles and ask for prayer.
There are two basic truths here: speak appropriately to the situation, and be concerned for the welfare of others. In my paper, I came to the conclusion that (shocker) it comes down to heart motives. For example, some falsehoods actually convey a more important truth, as God’s deception of his enemies communicates His justice and truth. When you say that you’d love to have someone over for dinner even though you inwardly chafe at the inconvenience, it communicates that you value their company and wish to bless them; this is as it should be, and there is no need to let them know about your moment of ungodly selfishness. You know better, deal with it, and prepare dinner in the right spirit.
That was rather long-winded, but I’m tired. What I’m trying to say is that the radical honesty approach has its good applications, and its flaws as well. Sometimes we most certainly should not tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
As to the second point, let us return to the grocery store example. Or coffee shop. As I mentioned, I have been being more thoughtful in my communications with others, say, when in line for coffee at Bucer’s. (Bucer’s is a Moscow coffee shop, where I get lots of schoolwork done. Really, I do.) But sometimes they weren’t really looking for more than “I’m good,” and sometimes it’s just inconsiderate to dump your stress on someone else. The point is, in your openness and communication, be sure you are seeking to “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear” (Eph. 4:29).
Which brings us to what Nat said about finding out what’s happening with others. It can be difficult when they think you’re asking a trite question, but I’ve witnessed many examples of friends showing a sincere interest in the other’s welfare, and it really isn’t that hard to do. When you respond honestly and show an interest in others in your daily conversations, others notice and it benefits everyone. Encourage and sharpen one another (Prov. 27:17).
To wrap up: parents, messy lives, and God. As painful as it can be, I believe it is always best to talk to your parents and work things out. It makes your relationship stronger and enables growth as Christians. Parents are the first sphere of authority set in place by God, and they love you. And life is short. Don’t let relationships fall apart and erode. Don’t let the distance grow. Lives are messy, both ours and others’. Paul wrote as the “chief of sinners” to some new-Testament Christians with terribly messy lives, but God draws straight with crooked lines. Within covenant and communion, we have already overcome the wicked one. Sanctification is a process, but the battle is, in one sense, over.
“Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. To him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen.” — 1 Peter 5:6-11
March 8th, 2010 at 8:01 am
Good post, Matthew. Made me think a bit about how I respond to questions and also how I ask them. When I ask “how are you doing” maybe I’m looking for a trite answer not expecting a sincere response…and perhaps I should be more actually concerned in people’s lives.
And I also liked what you said about parents. I completely agree that, though sometimes difficult, it is a thoroughly worthwhile process to communicate with your parents, particularly about struggles and messiness, they really care about you and will seek to build you up, keep you accountable and encourage you, where sometimes peers will not do such a great job.
March 8th, 2010 at 2:02 pm
Yeah, you really have a point there about it not always being appropriate to tell everyone everything. Just think about it a while and I’m sure you can come up with some ugly examples.
Still, there’s something to be said for radical honesty, perhaps in its right place. I imagine being married and pretty much dumping my whole mind on my wife and her doing the same. I know it’s not really possible, but there’s definitely something to “the two will become one”. Surely you have to work at it, but that’s just mind-blowing intimacy for me. Knowing the details of each other’s minds. Yeah, maybe that’s because I hardly tell anyone anything.
I appreciate your words on one’s relationship with their parents, too.
March 8th, 2010 at 3:02 pm
Yeah, it’s definitely good to have honest relationships, especially with your spouse. But I did just read in Reforming Marriage by Doug Wilson that sharing every little temptation to anger or irritability often does nothing more than tempt the other to do what provokes you.
As he says, “Newlyweds often think that being close and intimate with one another means sharing everything that happens to come into their heads, including temptations….There is no sin in being tempted. It is not necessary to apologize for any thought that happens to come into one’s head.”
But yes, the two becoming one is crazy synchronization of minds, I’d have to agree.
March 9th, 2010 at 8:16 am
I agree, I think for a marriage to be truly close and intimate there has to be a level of honesty and truthfulness higher than with anyone else. I do think there is a balance, especially with sharing every thought and temptation that is not absolutely necessary and can actually lead into danger. But as a general rule it is vastly important to communicate well with your spouse.
Going back to parents though, I think that is sort of the training ground for marriage. If you really have a hard time telling anything to your parents, the ones who have raised you, known since before you were born, lived with you, disciplined you, loved you every day of your life…is it going to be easier to be open with a spouse? Well, maybe at first. Perhaps this is a slightly inaccurate parallel, but personally I have found my relationship to my parents one of the most valuable things in my life.
March 9th, 2010 at 8:32 am
Actually that’s exactly right. How you relate to your parents is majorly practice for marriage. Girls should want to marry a guy whom she respects as much as her dad; it’s a transfer of authority. Guys should practice showing love to their moms, and a girl can tell how he will treat her by the way he relates to his mother.
March 10th, 2010 at 1:13 pm
That’s right! That’s definitely how I would feel. I guess God puts us in families and gives us parents for a reason. Which, since I’m writing a paper on homosexuality, and homosexual adoption, is a very good argument against it! A father is a picture of how a girl’s future husband should treat her, and a mother is a picture of how she should act as a future wife. Homosexuality does not provide that basic foundation and is therefore not a healthy situation for children.
March 15th, 2010 at 2:35 pm
I always say something other than “fine”. Depending on who asked me, it may be a one word answer also, but a more descriptive one. If I say, “good”, it tells them more than ‘fine’ and if I say ‘i’m tired’ or ‘terrible’, I don’t expect them to lend an ear or sympathize much, but at least I was honest. People don’t expect that kind of answer either.
I am married, I married young to my first boyfriend, and I do find that we choose mates with characteristics of our parents. That’s what we are comfortable with.
I have children as well, young children, and I want them to be nurtured. Each parent brings a certain personality into that nurturing. hopefully between teh two of us, we can raise well-balanced children!