a broken mold

Good morning, my friends! And if you are not my friend, don’t tell me, I like a false sense of security. Today, we head to the middle east, but not about the war. This is serious! In Afghanistan, after years of rebuilding, many still do not have electricity! We know this, because the news tells us… and they probably lost power in the stone age. I know that the media would love to blame that on the war and all, but facts are facts, the middle east has never had much power. Trust me on this. In fact, war has been going on over there since the stone age as well. Ah, bring me back to the good old days when Muslims killed Islamies instead of teaming up on Europe. But never mind about that, let’s get back to sappy journalism. Why on earth are we “rebuilding” when the war is still destroying? On top of that, why are we “Rebuilding” things that never were built in the first place? Police: “Hello, we’re sorry your car was destroyed smashing into that man, but we’re going to put it back together again and give you a sixteen story mansion to boot.” Serial killer: “Thank you officer, I assure you this will happen again.” Does this make any sense? But now this has turned from a history lesson to a rant, so I suppose I should get back on track. What are the journalists thinking when they cry over spilled milk from when Rock and Roll was a kids game? “Oh, they don’t have power! Oh, they are so hurt by the war! Oh, dear, we have to build them condos!” It makes me sick, really. Not that they live well, because they don’t. All I’m say is this joke which is particularly funny. So a blind guy decides to drive a car, but, of course, gets into a wreck. Now, he thinks he’s going to be in big trouble, but the doctor comes in and sounds downcast. “What is it, what’s wrong?” They blind man was worried. “I’m sorry,” the doctor says, and the blind man’s heart sinks, until he hears, “But you have lost your sight.” The blind man plays it cool, “Oh, good Lord!” So, they let him go with a rental car and a huge insurance check. Point made.

Looking out for you,

Caleb

Good morning America! Time to wake up and smell the Turkish coffee. I know this is a late report over old news, but… ahem, “Republican candidates around the country seized on President Barack Obama’s support for the right of Muslims to build a mosque near ground zero, assailing him as an elitist who is insensitive to the families of the Sept. 11 victims.” Oh boy, what to add, what to add? Well, we all know that it’s an outrage what the Muslims are doing, as well as our current President. And what he’s doing. However, I feel no need to add to this fact because… well, we all know it. So, instead, let me yell at you, “Republican candidates around the country,” because you are all losers. No, you are no worse than what we got, but you still are losers. Tell me something, you are all against this thing, right? So where are you twerps? “Republican candidates?” Where is the stand, the names, the weird extremists laying down in the job sight to stop production that are so fun to watch on TV? There we go, Andrew Harris! What did he say? “He is thinking like a lawyer and not like an American…” Yes, we know lawyers are not real Americans, or even real people for that matter, but where is the outrage, the fight, the “Get off my lawn,” attitude? All I hear is more lawyer talk. No, I don’t think guns are necessary, I just think a good protest wouldn’t kill anyone. In fact, we have not had a good protest in ages it seems, and this sounds like the type of thing that needs one. Think about it this way: what would happen, say, terrorists come and blow your home up with your family and friends inside, as well as a good bit of your neighbor’s family. Now picture me patting you on the back and saying, “Don’t worry, your insurance company said the terrorists were covered, and your money will be used to make a statue in honor of their sacrifice.” What would you tell me? What are the “republican candidates” saying? The equivalent of, “I’m so ticked off right now.” Well, sorry, but that doesn’t make me jump up and down, laying palm leaves at your feet. In fact, I feel ticked off at you. So, my dear “republican candidates,” with or without names, get on the ball, be a leader, do something. Leaders are supposed to love those who they rule. Love is a verb, an action, and all I see is words. Words without action are empty and void. So to end this little rant of mine, don’t rebel, protest. It’s what makes up a healthy society.

Lovingly stated,

Caleb, your gentle politician hater.

It has recently been asked for a discussion on suicide to be taken place on the blog. How morbid can you get? Fortunately, I am morbid, so here we go!

How serious is suicide as far as Christians are concerned? I do not believe it can make you lose salvation, because I believe, like all good baptists/ reforms do, that salvation is permanent once it happens. However, why did the Catholics say that is was so serious as to lose salvation? Why do some theologians say it is the ONLY theological question? I mean, come on, murder? Rape? No? Seriously? Why suicide? Why am I even asking all these parallel questions?

Let me begin with an interesting story. Once upon a time, there was a mean bully that hurt a little girl. There was another boy who saw the incident and tried to kill the bully, but was stopped by a teacher. If he had killed the boy, it would have been murder, because it was not the boy’s place to do so. It was the bully’s parents job. But let us not condemn the boy too harshly, for he was noble in his error. After all, the Bible has the Apostle Paul do the same thing when he was Saul… only to a greater degree. He saw a bunch of people he thought were against God called Christians. He killed as many as he could, murdering them, until God set him strait. Were the murders bad thing? Of course! It followed and haunted Paul for the rest of his life… but he was still Paul the Apostle.

Now, where and who in the Bible do we find suicides? Anything come to mind? Well, there’s the other Saul. You remember, the King of Israel? He decided at the end of his reign, in order to keep the Philistines from torturing him, to “fall upon his sword.” His head was then taken off and placed in the temple of Dagon for a spell. That worked well. Where else do we see men falling on their swords? What about the enemies of Gideon, who were so afraid of the trumpets and torches that they all killed themselves. That wasn’t very good either. Nope, not a good ending. So here’s my diagnosis,  suicide, in Scripture, is for the enemies of God. Where else to you find suicide than someone who is hopeless in his sin… in Scripture?

Why would one commit suicide if they believe in an omnipotent God? I don’t mean the heathen, I am talking about saved believers. If you believe God is in control, and you commit suicide, you are telling God directly as you go to His presence, “I don’t care! Your way is not worth it. I’m doing my life my way, and if you won’t let me live my way, then, by You, I’ll die my way. My final act of WILL!” These deaths are NEVER funny. In fact, they are the saddest, most tragic, most morbid deaths of all. If a heathen thinks that their life has no control, and that they are holding onto life by the flapping tongue of a dragon, and if they said, “What the heck, this is too hard. I’ll just let go before I’m dragon food,” I don’t think it is near as tragic. In fact, many can be quite hilarious… Like this one time, I watched a movie… I forget the name. There was this business tycoon who got so fed up with it all that he jumped through a broken window and died. Wait, that’s not the punch line. Few weeks later, this other guy says he’s going to jump through the same window, now repaired. It shows this long scene of everyone but one man staring at him in horror as he runs for window. Won’t anyone stop him? He jumps! … and sticks to the glass as he slides down slowly cartoon style. The dazed man looks up in embarrassment at his failed attempt to see the one man not in horror say two words, “Reinforced glass.”

Let’s wrap this up. 1. Suicide is sin, as any other sin, but with one caveat. Suicide is always direct and embittered rebellion to the very nature of God as far as Christians are concerned. It is, as it were, a second fall, not that one loses salvation, but that they disregard their salvation so they can say, “I did it MY way.” I know Christians that I considered friends that have taken this route, and can not imagine what had made them do this. 2. amongst the heathen, suicide is an equal sin to murder, and… not to kick a dead horse… so I won’t, but you get it. Hoops! that was the name of the movie, I think. 3. To conclude, if you are not a Christian and believe that the earth is over populated and you tell Christians to not have babies and to “leave” the earth, please lead by example. That will give me a few more people to laugh at. If not, however, let me be very… very… clear. Life is worth it. Suicide isn’t. When you ask the question, “To be or not to be?” remember we serve a living, all powerful God who pulls the strings, and that “All things work together for the good of those that love Him, for all those according to His purpose.” I think I quoted that right, but don’t kill me if I messed up. That’s God’s job.

Let me begin with as little ceremony as I possibly can, since I’ve been gone out of the blogsphere so long. Everyone knows about the Great Oil Spill of BP and how it is killing birds and ruining vacations. (Except ours, because it is far enough east that we can avoid it.) I mean, take a look at the sky view pictures! See the beautiful orange and purple hues. If we poured that much paint in the water, it would cost a fortune! Now, now, I understand, and we all tear our garments for the poor birds… well not really. I’m too busy feeling sorry for the guys who were on the rig when it blew. But, yes, birds dying and being dyed is not a good thing. My point that I’ve been hinting at is this, stop arguing on whose fault it was and start enjoying it or cleaning it. There, I said it. I’m really long winded I suppose.

Let us examine my vague arsenal of half-facts. One, an oil-rig blew up. Two, there was a pipe sticking out of the ground for our convenience. Three, the oil WAS in a localized location, and it was highly possible to burn most of it off right there, as it was recommended for us to do. Four, environuts said we could not burn because it would hurt the environment. Five, the blame game began and oil is still spilling out of the pipe. I know, it sounds like I’m in the blame game and am against the environuts, but that is not so. I was against them before this ever happened. It was not their fault the rig blew up. As a matter of fact, that is my point. It was old, it shifted, and it blew. A tragedy happened and we are left with a gorgeous hue of orange on the blue and black water. You will pardon me if I sound flippant, or not if you must hate me. So what do we do if we don’t blame anybody? Who will get stuck with the bill to clean it up if blame is not placed? I personally still think we should light a match and call it even. If a hurricane ever came through, it would be the most awesome firework display the world has ever seen. However, if that is voted down, then I say we all split the bill: Mexico, America, and Britain. If we can’t agree to clean up our own boating lake, then how can we agree to do anything? Oh, wait, we can’t. We can’t even agree on what the world “natural” means. “Natural,” as far as I can tell, means from the earth, raw and untouched by man. Well, here you go my friends, and as soon as that hurricane comes through, we can have a natural wonder on the forth of July. I’ll bring the beer if you bring the lighter.

So, I was looking at random studies done on lab rat children, and low and behold one came up on spanked children. Yes, the study was finally done! Hold onto your hats, because here is the results. It turns out that, if you were spanked as a child, you might show increased signs of aggression. “The researchers accounted for factors such as acts of neglect by the mother, violence or aggression between the parents, maternal stress and depression, the mother’s use of alcohol and drugs, and even whether the mother considered abortion while pregnant with the child.” But… “they could not explain all of the violent tendencies at that age. Further, the positive connection between spanking and aggression remained strong, even after these factors had been accounted for.” So, all of that is not as strong of a factor as spanking. Basically, you are more likely to be an axe murderer if you were spanked rather than completely neglected by your parents. Thank you, scientists, we now know that you are bitter about getting your tooshy booboo’ed. The study was conducted on an unknown number of children, and 2500 of that unknown number shone positive signs of aggression, like yelling at their parents, and then resisting being spanked.

I love studies like these, because most all of us, the normal, everyday citizens of 2010, were spanked as a child, and are obviously more prone to bashing each other’s skulls in than hippies, who never spank their children and are better off for it with their, *wheeze* weed. These studies also show how much we love to blame everything on our parents. “But your honor, you don’t understand, I was spanked as a child, I had to break the man’s knee caps off.” Scary part is… that sometimes works. Oh well, I guess now that I can blame violence on being spanked, I can take that guy out for his french fries. It was… uh… an emotional moment for me… and… uh… you should blame it on my parents. Duh.

Death. It is a fascinating subject, is it not? And funny, if you like Russian literature. I love Russian literature. Speaking of funny, did you hear about the son of a snack company owner who killed himself? He had tried to make it look like a murder. My guess is he mixed up the natural order of things because he was an idiot. “Hey, chubby, you’re suppose to commit a murder, then make it look like suicide! Not the other way around!” The question is, why is this funny? Why do people naturally laugh at this kind of thing? The fat man is dead! That’s not meant to be funny! But it is.

Here is the point. Human beings have a natural, though morbid, fascination with death. Why does the government want euthanasia? They want to kill, but they want to do it with a murder label across there face. Stalin had no problem with this label, and sported it in gold lettering on every occasion. That should tell us something. Being fascinated with death is a pass time for people like Stalin and our government, meaning, not for rational, Christian, thinking people. Now, now, I know that every Christian looks forward to that day when we die and are “present with the Lord,” and that’s all well and good, but having a love affair with black, rotting, corpses is wrong. All this to say I hate Tim Burton. Yes, hate.

Now you see where I’m going! I know your first thought was, “I’m not all that into death. What is his problem?” The truth is, you are that into death. Yes you are.

Question 1: Do you think the story in the first paragraph is funny, sick, or sad?

Correct answer: funny and sad… Your answer: sick.

Question 2: Are you angry that I speak of death in such a blunt manner?

Correct answer: You’re weird… Your answer: I don’t like to talk about death.

That’s enough; point made. If you are the one who feels “icky” when talking about the natural process of life called “death,” then you have a morbid fear of death. Not a fear of dieing, a fear of death. The correct view of death is the escape of being fascinated by it, either in fear or admiration. Think of it as what it is, the end of one life and the beginning of another. It’s really just another part of living. Equate a funeral to a wedding. They really are the same thing, except with different ways of expressing emotion.

In conclusion, Don’t worry about death, and don’t look at it with puppy dog eyes. Look at it as a cool thing everybody gets to do once, like getting married, hitting puberty, and loosing your teeth! By far, loosing your teeth seems to be the most unpleasant. And if some weirdo dies in a weird way, don’t hesitate to laugh at the irony. It’s a sign that your cultured.

Before I begin, a disclaimer: any view I write can not be blamed on me even though it is completely my responsibility. I disclaimed it, so it’s true. Deal with it. Anyways, moving on, I, the sarcastic narcissist, the hating red-head, the Irish Romanian, have decided to rant about hockey, Canadian hockey.

“Canada’s top Olympic official sees no reason to worry about the women’s hockey team’s beer-swigging, cigar-smoking celebration of its gold-medal victory over the U.S. team.” says VANCOUVER, British Columbia. (AP)

First off, I just want to say how I appreciate the fact that they don’t worry over hockey-women, who are masculine already, and the fact that they swig beer and smoke cigars. So… why did this make news? Why does any of the Olympics make news anyways? Sure, it’s entertaining to see girls smash each others’ teeth out with a stick, but why report it on televised news when everyone had already it on televised programs. “Just in case you didn’t see it the first time, let’s show it again with back story.” I hate mainstream media almost as much as I hate Canadian hockey chicks! Why would girls do that? Don’t they know they look like men when they wear those big suits?

And another thing, why are all the headlines in Bulgaria about women’s hockey? You’d think they could talk about their pollution, their communism, their stupidity, anything! But nooo! They have to focus on meaningless news and pretend it’s okay. At least this post has a purpose. It’s to rant. Mission accomplished.

So, yes, that was a while ago. Let’s move on to “current events.” Like the health care thing. It passed, right, or it’s about to? Same thing applies. It will not—but should I say it? I guess I already have—MATTER! So we’re more Socialist than we were yesterday. Big deal. Why make news out of it? We know we’re becoming the new Nazi party; stop telling us the step by step updates. It has no purpose. If I were to write news, and I don’t, I would only tell news when there was news to tell. That is probably why I would be out of a job in minutes.

So, that was my rant for the evening. I’ll expect that I offended at least one poor Bulgarian. Just remember; I disclaimed, therefore I’m safe… right?