First Principles

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Edition #19   •   5 Nov 2023    •   17 min read

First, stop feeling guilty. Then, decide

Our discomfort at saying just “no” without having to explain ourselves comes back to guilt

by Rohin Dharmakumar

Our discomfort at saying just “no” without having to explain ourselves comes back to guilt

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Good morning [%first_name |Dear Reader%],

Good morning dear reader. I’m back in your inbox again on a Sunday, and thankful for that. If you’re wondering what today’s edition has in store, here’s an outline:

I. Stop feeling guilty

II. Books

III. Silent Sunday

IV. Habits

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I. Stop feeling guilty

Guilt is a powerful emotion. It leads us to dark and narrow alleys in our brain out of which there seem to be no ways out. Except just one. 

Think of the number of times you ended up doing something simply because you felt you “owed” it to someone. Most of us would be able to think of examples from just a few days or weeks ago. Which is why, if I were to list down the top three factors behind poor decisions, guilt would be the first to enter the list. 

The second would be our discomfort at saying “no”.

When was the last time you replied with just the word “no” to a request from a colleague, family member, friend, or even a stranger? Chances are, unless they were asking you for something trivial or factual (“do you want sugar in your tea?” or “will you be in Bengaluru next week?”), we rarely say just “no”.

Instead, we elaborate and explain. “I have this family engagement.” “I would love to, but I’m hard pressed right now.” Or “can I take a rain check for now, but do this some time else?”

Our discomfort at saying just “no”, without having to explain ourselves, comes back to guilt too. What if the person who’s asking us for something feels bad at our response? How can we soften it for them?

Kunal Shah, the founder and CEO of CRED, thinks it’s because we Indians take rejection personally.

[aesop_nutgraf_quote_block title=”<b>Kunal Shah</b><br></br>Let me ask this question very differently. You will see venture capitalists or angel investors find it very hard to say no to a founder versus ghost them. Okay. That’s a very interesting point to think about.

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